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This essay demonstrates effective skill in responding to the writing task.
The essay takes a position on the issue (extending our high school career to five years would make an important and beneficial impact on our future) and offers a critical context for discussion (Yet what we desire most is not always what is best for us). Complexity is addressed as the writer anticipates and responds to a counter-argument to the discussion (Even if a school doesn't limit students' involvement, students eventually reach the limits of what a 24-hour day can hold). Development is ample, specific and logical, discussing most ideas fully in terms of the resulting implications (Colleges would see a longer, more developed individual's resume that included a time for each of their interests. The organizations would benefit from stronger student participation and the students would be recognized for their true efforts as well). Clear focus on the specific issue in the prompt is maintained.
Organization of the essay is clear though predictable. Most of the essay demonstrates logical sequencing of ideas (It is difficult to be involved in activities of interest while still keeping high grades. However, colleges don't consider this when they seek applicants with high grade-point-averages in their admissions pool. Elongating the span of high school would allow more students with both grades and activities on their agenda to spend more time focusing on each separate interest). Transitions are used throughout the essay (Although, Even if, However, Rather than) and are often integrated into the essay (Because they struggle to gain leadership roles and become the well-rounded students colleges desire, the task of maintaining a respectable grade-point-average during high school is a struggle for many students). The conclusion and especially the introduction are effective and well developed.
The essay shows a good command of language, with precise and varied sentences and word choice (The Senior Itch—the incurable chaffing we all crave to scratch. . . . Merely being accepted by a selective college or university requires much pre-planned effort that is literally unavailable to students already concerned with grades and other activities).
There are few errors to distract the reader.
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